Boundaries in Life and Business

Boundaries feel like a 4 letter word sometimes - especially as someone who is a people pleaser. My very first boundary that I struggled to make, but successfully held tight to, was with my parents when I was 19 years old. It wasn’t made because they were being terrible parents- rather it was the opposite. They had spent the last 19 years being a voice of authority in my life and guiding me in every step I took. The summer after my freshman year, I realized that I needed them to let me go a little. I needed to figure out this life and they needed to let me come to them for advice and help instead of giving it unsolicited. So I made a boundary. 

I was so nervous and scared - I had never drawn a line in the sand with anyone at this point in my life. Luckily and gratefully, my parents accepted it and it was the beginning of our adult kid/parent relationship. 

I wish I could tell you that his experience is what led me to be a boundary master. But it didn’t. I am actually really bad at it. For me, boundaries come at the last minute when everything else has been spent. They come from a place of exhaustion, anger, and sometimes deep sadness. And a lot of times that boundary is with myself. 

“Don’t get involved in that drama, Dana.” “Dana, just say NO next time when someone asks..” “Dana, tell so and so that they can’t treat you that way.” “Dana - just stop and pick this up tomorrow - remember we don’t work past 5!”

Sure I can make the boundary that I am not going to work past 5pm, but I know I am not going to keep it. I can also make a boundary to not let this person speak to me in a certain way, or to finally stand up for myself. But, when the time comes, I am oddly quiet. I have always thought that creating boundaries with others was hard, even though I had quite the opposite experience with my parents. As I have gotten older, what I realized is that creating boundaries with others, while not easy, is not as nearly as hard as creating them for yourself. You can set the boundary and say it out loud, but it is YOU who has to keep it and honor it. It is YOU who has to look yourself in the mirror and create that boundary with work and relationships. 

After we recorded this episode, it really made me reflect on how much I really needed to create better and more defined boundaries that I can be successful with. And I think that is the key. We all know what we need and what we want. But sometimes the boundary is unrealistic. Sure, I WANT to stop working at 5, and I NEED to give myself a break, but I know that it isn’t realistic. So instead of creating a blanket statement over the week. I will instead, pick 3 days I will not work past 5. 

Instead of telling someone that they can’t treat me a certain way - which is really, really, hard for me. I made a boundary that I will not interact with that person unless I absolutely have to. I will politely bow out. And if I am required to spend time with this person, time is limited. Maybe one day I will actually make a real boundary, but that day is not now - and I know myself enough to know that the time isn’t right. 

It isn’t perfect - but it allows me to start creating those lines in the sand and be successful. Nothing is worse than  a failed boundary. So start small, start realistically, and start drawing those lines - I promise you will be happier for it.

Xoxo,

Dana